WASHINGTON, D.C. — Dr. Anthony Fauci has come out as a major supporter of Governor Kristi Noem after learning that she, too, is a puppy murderer.
"I'm a huge fan of Kristi Noem's work," said Dr. Fauci. "Mostly just the putting bullets in puppies' brains part, but still - big, big supporter."
According to sources, Dr. Fauci purchased several copies of Noem's book where she describes killing a puppy and has read it on repeat ever since. "Fauci made that part of her audiobook his voicemail prompt," said former colleague Dr. Ben Schroeder. "It's a little creepy, but you know Fauci. The guy loves him some dead puppies."
Though one of Noem's biggest champions, Fauci admitted he preferred his own style of murdering dogs. "She kills them much too quickly. You've got to savor it," explained Fauci. "You want to trap the dogs' heads in a box where bugs gnaw their faces to death -- after you've cut out their vocal cords, of course! Ah, puppy torture."
At publishing time, Dr. Fauci had invited Noem over to his house for a relaxing evening massacring beagles.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
