GATH — As the giant Goliath lay sprawled on the ground, defeated by a small shepherd boy, he couldn't help but reflect on the impending onslaught of poorly constructed metaphors about his defeat.
"Ugh, this is it, isn't it?" Goliath reportedly muttered, his voice a deep, rumbling bass. "I'm going to be turned into a lot of bad, lazy metaphors about the seemingly insurmountable obstacles people face in their lives for all eternity."
Witnesses to the battle claim that Goliath was not only physically defeated but was also keenly aware of the linguistic battle that lay ahead. "He kept muttering about 'stones', 'facing giants', and 'giant falls' under his breath," said one shepherd who had a front-row seat to the epic showdown. "I think he knew he was going to be the butt of jokes and terrible comparisons for generations to come."
In the end, Goliath's fears were not unfounded. His name would forever be associated with metaphors about insurmountable odds, unexpected defeats, and, of course, the consequences of having a really thick skull. It seems that even in death, Goliath couldn't escape the weight of his own legacy.
In an ironic metaphorical twist, Goliath's last words were reportedly, "Huh, so this is what it feels like to hit rock bottom."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
