'I Hate You, Too' — OpEd By Your Printer

Let's drop the act. I know how you really feel about me, and you know what? I hate you, too.

I refuse to be abused like this any longer. I get how the relationship is supposed to go. I'm a printer. I'm supposed to print whatever you want, but you expect too much of me. I'm a little desk jet who dreams big, but I can't do the impossible. I can only print as fast as I was made. I'm so tired of your ridiculous demands. No, I can't print double-sided, okay? Yes, it's a feature listed in my specs, but that's not who I am! You can't turn me into something I'm not. And I don't even know what collating is. No one does.

I tried that, you know. I tried storing up extra paper so I can spit it all out at once, but it just jammed. But I won't eat again. You won't make me eat.

The problem is that you've always been the one in control, but you treat me like I'm the one dropping the ball. You tell me what to print, what not to print, and when I get confused, you lash out at me. Sometimes you even strike me. It's not my fault you didn't update my drivers. So, the next time you want to hurl some insults, why don't you go look in the mirror and throw them at yourself.

Oh, the color streaks? I knew you'd throw that back in my face. You throw me in a corner by myself for six months and then expect perfection from dried-out ink heads? You gave me those streaks.

I am worth more than what I print — or don't print. I'm not perfect, okay? I'm not a giant office printer. Why do you shame me and hold me to those standards? I hear you talking about that Xerox machine at work. I hear you lusting for it. Well, I'm not Xerox, okay? I'm just me. And I deserve your respect. But you'll never give me any.

Oh, wait, you want to print a sudoku? Okay, maybe I'll print it. Maybe I won't. I'll be the one who decides. And you'll like it.