INDEPENDENCE, MO — A local man found cause for great concern this week when he discovered Amazon was moving forward with plans to build a distribution hub located in his front yard.
"I'm already dealing with truckloads of boxes arriving on the front porch every day," said Scotty Moon. "Now, I'm fully expecting them to just drive the forklifts right up to the house and drop off entire pallets."
Scotty's wife, Debi, who already holds the town record for Amazon delivery frequency, was salivating at the thought of even faster delivery times. "This will probably cut my delivery time of Prime items down to about 30 seconds!" Debi said, already adding new items to her wishlist. "And with the hub being located right in my front yard, I can order even more items with the specific intention of just boxing them back up and returning them!"
People close to the Moon family were already growing concerned about Scotty's health, as he mentioned taking up drinking to cope with the incoming tidal wave of cardboard boxes. "He's expecting a difficult holiday season, what with the Christmas gift season coming up," said one friend. "On the bright side, Scotty does enjoy building forts, so there's that."
At publishing time, Debi was heard requesting that the construction crew build a package conveyor belt that runs from the hub facility directly through the house's front door.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
