How To Survive The Coming Socialist Regime
The Bee Explains · Nov 22, 2020 ·

If Biden and Harris are in office, that can mean only one thing: get ready for socialism! You know these no-good socialists are gonna socialize everything in sight. That's why we compiled these helpful tips to help you prepare for the coming socialist darkness! If you follow these 10 pointers, you'll be great!


Tip #1: Watch Sesame Street videos on sharing

Sharing is basically the same thing as socialism. The makers of Sesame Street know this well and have been quietly brainwashing kids to become socialists for decades. Spend a night binge-watching songs from Sesame Street and Daniel Tiger that encourage sharing and get yourself in the socialist spirit! Hey -- it's not so bad!


Tip #2: Repent of your sin of capitalism

We all know Jesus was a socialist because he fed people and cared about the poor and stuff. You are just a lowly capitalist pig, but he is ready to forgive you for your capitalism if you repent. For good measure, grab yourself a cat o' nine tails and do some self-flagellation. That oughta do it.


Tip #3: Emotionally distance yourself from your dog

We hate to break it to you, but food is going to be a little scarce from now on. If you don't have a dog, get one just in case. If you already have a dog, start to emotionally distance yourself from that thing. Also, stock up on cats.


Tip #4 Get ready for universal healthcare by standing in line at the DMV

An important part of being a socialist is standing in lines like a good citizen. As a greedy capitalist used to instant gratification, you'll need some practice. Get yourself a comfy pair of shoes and go practice standing in line for hours at the DMV. When you're ready for the next level, stand in line at the county fair for a funnel cake, and then don't buy one!


Tip #5: Watch classic Obama speeches to get yourself pumped up

It's widely accepted that Obama is the most inspiring and uplifting speaker in all of human history. Watch his inspiring speeches over and over again to get yourself totally pumped up! If you're short on time, just play a looped recording of Obama saying "that's not who we are" over and over again.


Tip #6: Withdraw all your money in one-dollar bills so you'll have plenty of toilet paper

Let's face it: money is an obsolete relic of capitalism and you don't need it anymore because The State will take care of you! Also, due to hyperinflation, all that filthy mammon is no longer worth the paper it's printed on. Your best bet is to hoard all that paper to use as toilet paper and fuel for fires during the winter. Your butt will thank you!


Tip #7: Memorize your favorite books

Books are full of forbidden knowledge that may endanger The State, so you'll probably want to get rid of those. That said, if you want to hang on to your favorite Harry Potter story for old time's sake, you best memorize that thing.


Tip #8: Fast at least 4 days a week to teach your body it doesn't really need food

Food is for weak capitalists. You're not a capitalist, are you? Good socialists will never let themselves be tainted by delicious capitalist foods like bacon burgers and chimichangas. You're better than that, comrade. Train your body to go without food as long as possible so that your government protectors may have the nourishment they need!


Tip #9: Wean yourself off sleeping on a bed

Beds are for colonizers. Indigenous people have slept on the ground for years and so can you, bigot.


Tip #10: Get rid of all religious books and imagery in your house

Make sure to rid yourself of anything that may divide your loyalty, for your government is a jealous government. You must not let any real or imagined deities distract you. Get rid of all holy books, hymnals, and Chris Tomlin CDs. If, however, you were smart enough to purchase copies of The Sacred Texts of the Babylon Bee, Volume 1, you should keep those. They double as body armor. 


You are ready comrade! Go, and enjoy your glorious socialist future! 


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