ORLANDO, FL—Sources at CPAC are confirming that former president Donald Trump just rode into the conference triumphantly on the back of a donkey, claiming kingship over the conservative movement for all eternity.
Trump waited outside the conference for his big entrance and then instructed Rudy Giuliani to go into the hotel lobby and find a donkey. "Tell his owner the Lord has need of him," he instructed the lawyer. Giuliani had trouble tracking down the donkey, as the place was full of jackasses, but eventually, he found the donkey as Trump instructed.
He brought out the donkey and asked Trump if he could sit at his right hand when he's reelected in 2024. "That position is not for me to give," Trump said gently. Finally, he rode into the hotel in his triumphal entry.
"Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of MAGA!" cried followers as they threw down their suit-jackets for his donkey to walk on. "Hosanna! The Lord, Trump, saves!"
"Look how they welcome you!" said Ivanka.
"I tell you, if these were silent, the very stones would cry out," Trump replied. "Great stones. Tremendous stones. The best, really. Not those pathetic loser stones that don't say anything. Sad!"
At publishing time, Trump had failed to announce a 2024 run, causing the people to cry out "Crucify him!" and "Give us Biden rather than this man!"