NEW YORK, NY — History books and documentary films around the world will be undergoing significant revisions after an announcement was made that Adolf Hitler, long regarded as arguably the evilest human being in history, has now been exonerated of all his crimes after historians discovered some absolutely delightful footage of him moonwalking on the subway.
"This really changes everything about the way we view him," said historian Blake Rumsey. "Yes, he unleashed a torrent of vitriolic hatred on the entire globe, giving birth to the Second World War and its related atrocities, resulting in tens of millions of deaths…but once you see him doing a killer Michael Jackson impersonation on the subway, the rest of it pales in comparison!"
Rumsey found the footage while editing a new documentary on Hitler's life and concluded that the feared Nazi Führer should now be cast in an entirely different light. Democrat lawmakers quickly agreed. "Not since the King of Pop himself have we seen moves like this," said New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "The moonwalk, the spin, the anti-gravity lean, the crotch-grab…how can anyone hold his previous horrible crimes against him after seeing this?"
Critics were eager to point out that Hitler was still responsible for the attempted eradication of the Jewish people during the Holocaust, but support for the former German leader continued to build. "He impersonated a beloved music performer," said Ocasio-Cortez, "which means his despicable past is irrelevant and the Allied Forces murdered him unjustly."
At publishing time, concert promoters were already hard at work planning a world tour of a holographic Hitler performing Michael Jackson's greatest hits.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
