DERRY TOWNSHIP, PA—In a new attempt to court the Christian market, the Hershey Company unveiled Monday its brand-new “Hershey’s Sidehugs™️,” a Kiss™️-like chocolate that promises to be more pure and only slightly less fulfilling.
“Almost as satisfying as the real thing, now with 100% more purity,” a Hershey’s representative said in a press conference. “We’ve removed any hint of a ‘kiss’ from this product completely. It’s now a no-nonsense chocolate that won’t cause you to stumble.”
According to the rep, church focus groups found the new chocolate treats “far more appropriate for brothers and sisters in the Lord” than the comparatively raunchy Hershey’s Kiss™️ product.
The Sidehugs™️ are available at discount rates for churches and youth groups, and will provide a pure Christian alternative for placing in a bowl in the church lobby or throwing out to Sunday school students for answering questions correctly.