EDGARTOWN, MA—Is this guy great, or what? According to sources in Martha's Vineyard, former President Obama is throwing a huge birthday bash with 700 guests at a seaside mansion that will likely be underwater due to climate change any minute now—all as a way to show the American people what not to do during a pandemic in a country affected by climate change.
"As he always has, Barack Obama is showing the way by doing the exact opposite," said NBC anchor and global megastar Chuck Todd. "Once again, the chosen one has seen fit to bathe us in the warmth of his glory and light. We look to our great Hope as the purest, most muscular, most cool example of all the things one should never do during a pandemic on a coastal town affected by sea-level rise. Thank you, sir, from all of us—the American people."
Chuck Todd then jumped out the window to his death, having just found out he wasn't invited to Obama's birthday party.
Insiders report that hundreds of high-profile elite guests—such as George Clooney, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Jeffrey Epstein will be in attendance to get an intensive course on everything they should NOT be doing, after which they will go spread the word of proper pandemic behavior to the regular people.
The Coast Guard will be on watch all evening for deadly sea level rise and will simply keep out the advancing ocean by stacking up the bodies of COVID victims to form a seawall.