WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an attempt to both earn some much-needed positive publicity and show his support for workers' rights, Hunter Biden announced he was staging an 8-hour crack strike.
"Workers in this country have to suffer too much," Biden said on the steps of the U.S. Capitol. "I'm using my status as a prominent public figure to draw attention to this crisis. As part of my protest, I will be abstaining from crack cocaine and hookers for 8 hours. Nah, maybe just the crack cocaine."
Hunter's crack strike comes on the heels of Congressman Greg Casar of Texas staging a grueling 8-hour "thirst strike" in which he went entirely without water for an astonishingly small portion of the day. Casar's heroic showing has led to an outpouring of additional strikes to raise awareness for workers' rights. "It's the least I can do," Biden said as he was mentally and physically preparing himself to go without crack for an unprecedented one-third of a day. "If these workers don't get breaks, I'm going to hold back from hitting the pipe. It's only right."
Hunter then sat down on the Capitol steps to begin his strike. After a few minutes, he began sweating and fidgeting noticeably. "Boy, it's really hot out here," he said as he grew increasingly agitated. "This is going to be harder than I thought. Does anyone know a place here at the Capitol where I can score?"
At publishing time, Biden had reportedly sent a few assistants inside the Capitol to ask members of Congress for any crack they had on hand.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.