Microsoft just purchased Activision and wasted no time in unveiling a bunch of promising new upcoming titles. Here they are:
1. Minesweeper: Modern Warfare - An action-packed first-person mine defusing game. You'll even get to play multiplayer, where 13-year-old kids will insult your mother for not defusing the mines quickly enough.
2. Tony Hawk's Excel - Forget spreadsheets: it's time for SHREDsheets! Basically just Excel with Tony Hawk instead of Clippy.
3. World of Warcraft: Wrath of Clippy - This exciting expansion has Clippy take over Azeroth, but he's just a minor annoyance really. He's no Lich King.
4. Bill Gates' Divorce Simulator - Also basically just Excel.
5. Call of Duty: Forced Vaccination Squad - The next exciting COD game will have you playing as Bill Gates going door to door forcing people to take the vaccine.
6. Call of Duty: Forced Vaccination Squad 2023 Student Edition XP - Same thing but costs $99 more and has fewer features.
7. Candy Crash - Candy Crush but you know. It crashes.
8. Guitar Hero: Vista - All the exciting fun of Guitar Hero, but it loads slower, isn't as good, and you know. It crashes.
9. Diablo IV: Blue Screen Of Death - You must stop the forces of hell from unleashing blue screens of death across the world. And it crashes.
10. Crash Bandicoot: Epstein's Island - Oh no! Crash is getting into more wacky hijinks breaking boxes and being just generally a radical dude on Epstein Island. You'd think this one would crash, but it's surprisingly stable.
11. StarCraft: Space Cadet 3D Pinball - Microsoft is putting the StarCraft IP to good use with this reboot of a classic Windows game.
12. Zune Hero - Guitar Hero but now you can plug in your Zune to jam to your own tunes. Fun and convenient!
13. Call of Duty: Modern Solitaire - It's just solitaire but when you lose you get inspiring quotes about war and blood pours down your screen.
14. Call of Duty: Modern Solitaire III: Revenge of Jeff Bezos - Same except the final boss is Jeff Bezos.
15. An untitled WarCraft game where you just have to keep restarting your computer to apply updates - We can't wait for this one!
16. Spyro the Dragon Dies of COVID - This is more of an interactive edutainment story, but it has a powerful message.
17. A big-budget, $300-million, 4K reboot of Zork - Finally, something we're interested in. Bring on more Zork!
You can't make this stuff up!
World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.