U.S. — In a shift from addressing the issue of foreign narcotics trade by attacking cartel boats, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he had halted demand in the U.S. for illegal drugs by drone striking Hunter Biden.
Hegseth held a press conference at the Pentagon in which he informed the American people that the demand for illegal narcotics in the United States had plummeted after Hunter Biden was eliminated by a drone strike in Delaware in the wee hours of Monday morning.
"The War on Drugs is officially over," Hegseth told reporters at the press conference. "While our country has spent the last four decades engaged in a heated pursuit of eradicating the illegal drug industry, we never thought to simply address the problem at the source of its demand: Hunter Biden. I can now proudly announce that taking Hunter Biden out of the equation has left drug cartels with virtually no market for their product."
A South American drug cartel source confirmed that without Hunter Biden, demand for illicit drugs in the country had almost instantly evaporated. "He was the guy who drove the entire U.S. market," the anonymous insider said. "Yes, we've had other important customers like Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, and most of Major League Baseball until the early 2000s, but losing Hunter Biden is a blow we probably can't survive."
AT publishing time, Hegseth had revealed that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had requested that the drone strike task force be redirected to prevent Santa Claus's operation from bringing red dye-filled candy canes into the U.S.
Heartwarming!
