ST. PAUL, MN — Desperate to clear his good name, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz offered to give several journalists free tampons if they would stop talking about his fraud scandal.
According to sources, Walz has been desperately trying to stem the leaked news of his involvement in Somali fraud schemes by plying members of his press pool with free tampons.
"Here, uh, bro. Just take this as a little sign of my regard, all right?" Walz told professional journalist Jake Tapper, handing over a pack of Tampax Pearls. "It's the real stuff, you know? LeakGuard Braid ultra-absorbency and all. My personal go-tos. And, you know, we could just kinda keep all the Somali fraud stories between ourselves? Just our little bit of personal news. There's more where those came from, if you keep your trap shut."
Walz reportedly patted Tapper on the back and sidled over to the other members of the press to continue distributing his "little incentives."
"I can beat this story," Walz reportedly muttered to himself, reaching deep into his coat pockets for another package of tampons. "Just gotta backhand a little more of this baksheesh. You got this, Timmy boy."
At publishing time, Walz had also considered stopping the stories by flaunting a few of his famous dance moves for the camera.
Heartwarming!
