HEAVEN — Sources close to the High Throne of Heaven confirmed that God does indeed hear all your prayers, but that doesn't mean that He'll give you Force powers, even if you ask really hard.
The angel Uriel issued the clarification after getting tired of people claiming that God doesn't hear prayers just because He didn't instantly give them the ability to lift heavy objects with just their minds.
"Just because you can't do the Force push doesn't mean God doesn't hear you," Uriel explained. "The Lord has reiterated many, many times that He hears all prayers. That doesn't mean you will be able to stack rocks with your mind while doing handstands, okay?"
The heavenly clarification had proved helpful for many people, including local man Roger Bennett who has prayed dozens of times for Force powers. "I've spent so many years begging to use the Force, I was getting to the point I really wondered if I was being heard at all," said Bennett. "I do also pray for my mom's arthritis and my sister to get pregnant and stuff. I just also pray for the Force, and it's been a long time waiting."
At publishing time, 4-year-old Stephanie Surman, who had been praying for a pony very hard for the last two weeks, was absolutely distraught to find out about the heavenly announcement.
This freshman had a bright future ahead of her, but then her parents spent $250K to send her to a public university.
