HEAVEN — Celestial sources have recently confirmed that people who prefer ham to turkey at Thanksgiving will not enter the kingdom of God.
According to the Almighty, preferring ham on the fourth Thursday of November is a sure sign of reprobation and will lead to a person's eternal damnation if they do not repent.
"It is harder for one who prefers ham to enter the kingdom of Heaven than it is for a man to thread a needle," said Gabriel, a heavenly spokesangel. "Woe unto them who reject the grace of God by choosing the much-inferior ham to the divine goodness of Thanksgiving turkey, for theirs is NOT the kingdom of God."
According to Gabriel, all who do not fulfill the good and perfect law of God — even those who feast themselves on turkey with cranberry sauce — must repent of their sins and trust in Christ.
"Look not for the earthly turkey, served with mashed potatoes and gravy, but expect the heavenly turkey which comes down from above," Gabriel said. "Blessed are those who feed on pumpkin pie with whipped cream at the Thanksgiving feast of the Lamb."
At publishing time, heaven had also confirmed that those who bring green bean casserole to family dinner at Thanksgiving will not enter the kingdom, either.
Heartwarming!
