BATON ROUGE, LA — Sources close to Max Calderfield, the Healthiest Man Alive, say that the wonder of nature has maintained a sound mind and body precisely by doing exactly the opposite of whatever the government recommends.
According to Max's friends, the shockingly vital fellow has been ignoring government recommendations on nutrition and pretty much everything else for several decades.
"I do what I durn well please, sir," Max said, lounging back on his deck with a cold glass of raw milk, a cigar, and a 12-egg omelet. "T'ain't no government telling me what to do. They can't be trusted. I ignore those people like the Good Lord intended."
According to multiple independent eyewitnesses, Max continues to participate in Ironman Triathlons, deep-sea diving expeditions, and x-treme mountain biking, when he has a spare moment from lifting weights.
Several doctors have ruled him "immune to diabetes" and "inverse-coeliac."
At publishing time, Max had wolfed down three or four cheeseburgers topped with raw barley, extra gluten, and msg before washing the concoction down with a creatine-whey-powdered-sugar protein drink before running a marathon.
Flock cameras are causing everyone to freak out, so The Babylon Bee launched an investigation into Flock Safety to separate fact from fiction. Here is everything you need to know about Flock
