GAZA — According to the latest LinkedIn statistics, Hamas has recently been having a bit of trouble attracting fresh new recruits. Their brilliant solution? Bring back casual Fridays.
Sources within the terrorist organization reveal that they've held a few meetings to discuss company growth and that several managers have come up with some other ideas to attract new fighters who must be ready to become martyrs at a moment's notice.
Some of the exciting new initiatives include the following:
Cool digital pagers: Much nicer than those old analogue ones last month.
Free use of the company car bomb: Just make sure and bring it back in one piece.
Updated vending machines: Now with hummus!
No more drug tests: Hamas is an equitable opportunity employer.
Lactation room for working mothers: It adds a nice touch.
Permission to bring your son to "Executing The Infidels Day": It'll be a nice little family outing.
72 free virgins for anyone who dies in an executive role: Who wants a promotion?
Free estate planning so your family will get your tent and camel instead of the government: Because Hamas cares about families, as long as they're not Jewish.
Free dental: Unless you're Yahya Sinwar. In which case you're already dead, so it doesn't matter.
Several Gaza eyewitnesses claim to have seen printed versions of the above on telephone poles around the Gaza Strip.
At publishing time, Hamas recruiters were still waiting and clicking refresh on their LinkedIn page.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
