U.S.—In a move to capture the rapidly growing bald pastor market, popular head care company Shiny Domes has released a new line of head polishes specifically designed to cater to the needs of pastors and other people in Christian ministry who have absolutely no hair on their heads.
The new Pastor Polish line will allow bald pastors to shine both metaphorically and literally as they deliver sermons from the pulpit. While bald head wax and other polishing products have been available for some time, this is the first kit to specifically cater to the Christian market. The product is said to guarantee more people paying attention to your sermons, more audience laughter at your jokes, and better sinner conversion ratios.
"Many bald pastors go onstage with a dull, boring dome," said a Shiny Domes representative. "How can you preach the gospel and shine your light before men if the light reflecting from the top of your noggin is dim?"
When paired with a well-trimmed beard or goatee, the Shiny Domes product is said to be the best way to make sure your bald pastor retains the appearance of a holy man of God. Shiny Domes also recommends matching a shiny head with a nice flannel shirt or plaid button-up number. Representatives do not recommend mixing with tribal tattoos, as adverse side effects such as falling into heresy or leaving the faith entirely have been observed in clinical trials.
The product also comes with a lifetime guarantee that if youths approach you and begin mocking your baldness, two she-bears will immediately emerge from the woods and devour them. Tim Keller and Joe Thorn have both endorsed the product.