MENLO PARK, CA—By popular demand, a new feature is being added to Facebook: a button that lets you summon someone's pastor to their recent, questionable Facebook post.
The button is useful for when you see fellow church members posting theologically questionable quotes, sharing a Joel Osteen video clip, or putting up a picture of themselves having alcoholic beverages. Clicking the button will immediately send the poster's pastor a notification so they can provide theological correction, admonition, or church discipline.
"Look, we already know everything about you, including where you live, what you're thinking, and who your pastor is -- so we're just putting that information to work with a helpful, handy new button," said Mark Zuckerberg. "You can now instantly tip off someone's pastor to their rank sin or heresy."
Christian Facebook users immediately took advantage of the feature, reporting fellow church members for crimes such as dancing, drinking, and posting on Facebook before reading their Bible. Pastors say they really appreciate all the snitching and didn't have anything better to do than police everyone's behavior anyway.
The button is, of course, religiously neutral. For Jewish Facebook users, it will summon their rabbi, while Mormon Facebook users will find themselves confronted by their church's 18-year-old elders. You can click the button on an atheist user's post but nothing will happen.