Grown Man In 2023 Still Saying 'Cool Beans'
Lifestyle · May 4, 2023 ·

KINGMAN, AZ — An adult male is reportedly still using the phrase "cool beans" despite the current year being 2023, sources say. Dallas Woodrow, an Arizona native, shocked co-workers at Desert Burro Ltd. when he used the term to acknowledge a job well done.

"What the heck did I just say?" said Woodrow while smacking this forehead with the palm of his hand. "What am I, 12?"

"Cool beans? What does that even mean?" asked office receptionist Rena Kirkpatrick. "How old are you? Is that something you old folks said back in the 90s?"

Historians have traced "cool beans" to the 1970s when it was coined by the comedic duo Cheech & Chong. Experts believe their lack of sobriety was a major component for believing the phrase served any purpose at all. Sources say it then spread through the culture like a plague.

"To hear the phrase spoken without even a hint of irony in 2023 is unheard of," said Dr. Edward Mathis, Ph.D. of Oxford University.

According to sources, HR reprimanded Woodrow for being "uncool" and warned him to refrain from saying "cool beans" around the office.

"What you do in the privacy of your own home is your business," company management reportedly explained to Woodrow. "But we'd prefer it if you talk like a professional modern grown-up around here."

At publishing time, Woodrow found himself in hot water again after referring to a coworker as "phat."

Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.

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