TOLEDO, OH—According to reports, a group of poor, pitiable, destitute street urchins arrived at Christ Midwestern Church Sunday morning, looking desperate, dirty, hungry, and poorly groomed. Everyone at the church felt compassionate for this poor group of orphans, clearly neglected, as they had obviously dressed themselves with whatever they could find in a garbage dumpster this morning. They were immediately rushed into the building and offered food, shelter, clean clothes, and free haircuts. "The poor dears," said church secretary Ethel Rutherford. "Times are hard for a lot of families these days, not least if you're homeless, living on the streets, and living in Toledo."
UPDATE: New information has come to light, and it turns out the children actually weren't homeless. It's just that their father had dressed them for church that morning, as their mother was at work. "Hey, those are my kids!" said their father, Joe Larry, as he ran into the building to catch up. "They're not hobos! It's just, you know, Chelsea wasn't around this morning/" He shrugged sheepishly. "What's wrong with what they're wearing? I kind of like it." It was pointed out to him that his daughter Kayla had mismatched shoes, his son was wearing flip-flops even though it was snowing out, and his other daughter wasn't wearing shoes at all. "Oh. But hey—they all have pants on this time. That has to count for something, right?"
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.