KENOSHA, WI - With closing arguments completed in the Kyle Rittenhouse case, the judge is now giving the jury their instructions before they deliberate, reminding them to ignore the angry mob that is currently outside threatening to burn the whole building down.
"Please be fair and impartial," he said to the jurists, who were all wearing Kevlar helmets and body armor. "Just ignore the bloodthirsty mob of communists threatening to terrorize you and your family forever if you don't find Rittenhouse 'guilty'. That should not factor into your decision at all."
"Guilty or we burn it down! Guilty or we burn it down!" replied the mob outside, furious that they were being ignored.
The jurists have asked for a 20-minute head-start to get in their cars and drive to the nearest bomb shelter before the verdict is revealed. They have also asked for 24/7 armed security provided by Kyle Rittenhouse.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.