U.K.—Greta Thunberg continued her worldwide quest of righteous vengeance on all sworn enemies of Mother Earth this week by starting a protest at Willy Wonka's famous chocolate factory.
Thunberg demanded that the chocolate factory convert to zero-carbon practices right this instant. "We're not waiting 10 or 20 years for carbon-free chocolate. We want it now. I want it. It's mine. Give it to me!" she shouted.
Willy Wonka graciously agreed to give her a tour of the factory. Thunberg protested in every room, complaining about the polluted chocolate river and the gum that tasted like roast beef instead of tofu. But the room with the geese who lay golden eggs attracted most of her ire due to the poor treatment of the animals. She demanded that Willy Wonka change his practices "this instant."
"I want zero carbon emissions NOW!" she shouted. Music started playing from an unknown source and Thunberg began to sing.
"I want a cool world,
I want a much cooler world,
I want to lock polluters up in a gulag,
I'll be the world's watchdog,
Give it to me noooooow!
Don't care how, I want it now!"
Just then, she leaped up on a scale that determined she was a "bad egg," and down the chute she went.
"How dare yooooooooooou!!!" she cried as she plummeted down the garbage chute to the furnaces, which luckily run only every other day. At publishing time, Thunberg was protesting the furnaces for burning fossil fuels.