CANTON, MA — Dunkin' Donuts announced Friday that its esteemed culinary team had made a major breakthrough and somehow found a way to make their donuts even worse.
"I am so proud of the team we have here at Dunkin'," CEO Paul Dunk said in a press release. "We've been making dry, over-processed donuts for decades, but these new donuts are truly next level. Next level bad, I mean."
According to sources, it's not merely a new slate of flavors that allows Dunkin' to somehow make the donuts taste worse, it's the dough itself. "We've done away with our old frozen pre-made dough and developed a new base entirely in-house," confirmed R&D Director Henry Bearclaw. "It tastes like gas, and it feels like glass. You're going to hate it."
Critics were reportedly skeptical that Dunkin' could get much worse. Famed food critic Roberto Renaldo, however, was first in line to try a test batch and confirmed he would soon be getting his stomach pumped.
"I think I may have ingested some rat poison," Renaldo wrote in a piece for the Canton Citizen.
At publishing time, Dunkin' Donuts was awarded the Worst Tasting Donut award for the seventh year in a row.
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