ALBANY, NY—At his press conference yesterday, Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York ordered all restaurants to put pineapple on their pizza if they wish to stay open during Phase 273 of New York's reopening plan.
The mandate adds to previous food orders by the New York state government declaring that "a hot dog is a sandwich" and that "ketchup goes great on steak."
"The science is clear: restaurants must put pineapple on their pizza," Cuomo said. "Putting fruit on pizza is a great idea. The science says so. If you don't like pineapple on your pizza, you are anti-science." Cuomo warned that any restaurants that refuse to put pineapple on their pizza "want grandma to die" and so will be shut down, with their owners being hanged for insubordination.
Cuomo also blamed Trump for widespread anti-pineapple sentiment in this nation. "Trump says just cheese and pepperoni, or maybe putting 'the works' on there is all you need. This is a dangerous idea and will kill a bunch of people."
Most New Yorkers support Cuomo's pineapple on pizza statements, though many seniors in the state were curiously unable to respond to the survey.