SUN VALLEY, CA - As Governor Gavin Newsom ordered churches to remain closed until death, suffering, disease, and sorrow have all passed away and there is no longer any risk associated with going outside, Pastor John MacArthur announced his church would be defying the order.

Donning his favorite kilt and strapping his trusty claymore to his back, MacArthur jumped on a horse and gave an inspiring speech to his church's elders and deacons as they prepared to fight Sacramento's forces.

"I'm not dying just so people can worship," grumbled one deacon. "Let's go home and stay safe."

"I am John MacArthur," MacArthur shouted, riding back and forth in front of the congregation.

"John MacArthur doesn't have that much hair," one shouted back.

"It's a wig. Anyway, yes, I am John MacArthur, and I see a whole army of my congregation, here in defiance of tyranny. You've come to fight as believers, and believers you are. How will you worship as the visibly gathered church without freedom? Will you fight?"

"Fight? Against Gavin? No! We will run. And we will live," said the obstinate deacon.

"Aye. Leave your home, and you may die. Stay home, and you'll stay safe. At least a while. And dying in your safe, quarantined bubble, all masked up and covered in hand sanitizer, many years from now, would you be willing to trade all those days in quarantine for one chance -- just one chance -- to come back here and tell Gavin that he may take a large chunk of our income, but he'll never take our freedom!"

The crowd cheered and rallied to MacArthur's side, preparing to charge into battle against California's Church Police.

"But, uh, nobody get hurt though, because we don't believe in healing."