ALBANY, NY—New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has ordered nursing homes to admit violent rioters and protesters throughout the state.
"If we are going to be compassionate, caring, and pro-science, we need to admit these oppressed individuals into every care facility available," he said at a press conference this morning. "I don't want to hear any talk of how this might hurt old people. This isn't the Dark Ages -- we listen to SCIENCE in this state!"
The order forced nursing homes to admit anyone carrying a brick, Molotov cocktail, baseball bat, or bike lock and house them until they recover. Scientists agree this is the best possible move and say that anyone who has concerns about how it might affect the elderly is an anti-science bigot.
"What a nice young man!" Ethel Carver said as one protester burst in with a Molotov cocktail. "Ooooh! He brought a fun toy to play with too! Come over here and let me pinch your cheek!"
There has been considerable violence in the nursing homes since this occurred, though these deaths are being counted as COVID-19-related.
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