Worldviews
Nation's Racists Repent After Reading Statement On Equality From Hidden Valley Ranch

U.S.—The racists of the nation announced they are repenting en masse after they read a statement on equality from Hidden Valley Ranch posted on Twitter.

White supremacists across the country said they were holding out despite hundreds of corporations declaring their support for equality on Blackout Tuesday. But finally, the scales fell from their eyes by the thousands as they saw Hidden Valley Ranch's powerful statement that they oppose inequality.

"I had been so blind before, but once I saw that Hidden Valley Ranch upholds the humanity of people of all races, I realized I needed to reexamine my biases," said Chet Bernard of Denton, Texas. "I held out through the statements of Tide Pods, Bratz, Ben & Jerry's, and GameStop. But once I saw that the minds who create the delicious ranch dressing I have every day believe in the equality of all humanity, I saw the error of my ways."

The former racists covered up their swastika tattoos, burned their MAGA hats, bought Che Guevara shirts on Amazon (since that giant corporation also supports the protests), and joined people of color in their towns in protesting police brutality.

"Down with capitalism!" cried one former skinhead. "If Hidden Valley Ranch is against inequality, well then, so am I! Black lives matter! Black lives matter!"

Breaking: PayPal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.

There are 30 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.