U.S. — The government that shut down beaches, parks, churches, schools, birthday parties, restaurants, retail shops, bars, cafes, skate parks, funerals, and hundreds of other locations, gatherings, and events across the country to slow the spread of COVID-19 announced Friday that there is "absolutely nothing we can think of" that would help slow the spread of monkeypox, a disease that is spread almost exclusively through gay sex.

CDC Director Rochelle Walensky held a press conference today where she made the somber announcement that they've tried everything and can't think of a single thing that would stop the spread of this disease which spreads via homosexual encounters.

"Uh... yeah, nothing we can think of that would help prevent this," said Walensky of the virus that is infecting only gay men the vast majority of the time. "Just, uh, keep doing what you're doing. We don't want to disrupt essential activities such as gay orgies where monkeypox is spreading almost exclusively. We wouldn't expect gay men to be able to abstain from having sex with dozens of strangers for a couple of weeks. That's, uh, that's what we think of them."

"So just keep on having anonymous sex with whoever. We've done all we can do."

At publishing time, the government that said you couldn't have a funeral for your grandma or see your dying wife one last time had declared all gay orgies to be an "essential activity."

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.