LAKE HURON, MI — Following a fourth report of an unidentified object being shot down across North America, U.S. military leadership and the North American Aerospace Defense Command have announced increased monitoring of North American skies. In unrelated news, this Canadian goose is getting suspicious that an F-18 is following him.
"That wild-eyed F-18 pilot just made the same high-G roll maneuver behind me for the third time in a row – I think I'm being tailed." The goose spoke to local news outlets through a translator in a series of honks, hisses, and quacks, calling attention to a concerning glimmer in the eye of the pilot.
Pressure has mounted among NORAD and Air Force rank-and-file to get a "trophy kill" or "get me a UFO souvenir to show all the boys back home in Louisiana," and the Pentagon has confirmed suspicions that some of their more unscrupulous pilots may be tempted to fabricate UFO shootings by blasting wildlife out of the sky.
At publishing time, the F-18 pilot who had been close behind the goose had safely landed and begun calling himself an "Ace Fighter Pilot" and "Maverick 2.0," as well as painting a balloon silhouette onto his jet. The goose was unavailable for comment.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
