HEAVEN—Breaking a long period of revelatory silence, a representative of Heaven issued a decree Monday declaring the eighth thing the Lord hates to be selfies.
The official statement included an inspired, inerrant addendum to be included in all Bibles published after the date of the decree, in which the definitive list of seven things the Lord hates in Proverbs 6:16–19 is expanded to include “taking a picture of one’s own face,” clarifying that group shots are okay, as long as no one is making the duck face.
Believers are encouraged to note the new phrasing over the outdated passage in any Bibles published before the decree.
“Just look at that list,” the heavenly messenger explained to reporters, pointing to the existing passage in the sixth chapter of Proverbs. “‘Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood’—the absurd trend of taking thousands of doctored, carefully posed and filtered photos of oneself just totally fits right in there.”
Rumors were swirling that a further addendum would add the “man bun” and the term “bae” as the ninth and tenth items to the list of things that are detestable to the Lord, but at publishing time this had not been confirmed.