God Confirms People Who Attend Church Two Days Per Year Can Go To Heaven For Two Days Per Year
Church · Mar 30, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

HEAVEN — In an announcement sure to have a significant impact on millions of lives before and after death, Heavenly sources confirmed that people who attend church two days per year can go to Heaven for two days per year.

"Sure, your two days of church attendance per year totally count," explained Saint Peter. "They count for two days of Heaven per year, and the rest of the year you get tortured by demons. It's very fair."

The system had reportedly been in place for centuries, ever since the dawn of the twice-per-year churchgoer. "They can spend the rest of their eternity in Hell sleeping in and watching football games or whatever," said a Heavenly angel. "Though, I'm told the only games they get in Hell are when the Jets play the Browns."

Much like Easter church services, Heaven will reportedly be extra crowded for those two days per year. "It's nice, you get to see a lot of faces you haven't seen in a while," said permanent Heavenly resident Marcia Langston. "They are a bit out of sorts having just come from being tormented in Hell, but it's still nice. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to double up this green bean casserole recipe for the big potluck."

At publishing time, Heavenly beings had set up several million extra folding chairs in anticipation of all the temporary residents.

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