TAMPA BAY, FL — Quarterback Tom Brady is growing increasingly frustrated with his offensive line after they once again failed to protect him in a brutal loss to the Steelers. Frustration changed to suspicion, however, after Brady's ex-wife Gisele was seen in a seedy alleyway slipping Bucs offensive line players wads of cash.
"This definitely isn't what it looks like," said Gisele when questioned by reporters. "I'm just offering this wonderful offensive line some extra compensation so they'll do a great job protecting Tom! Yeah, that's totally what this is!"
Conspiracy theorists have already been floating the theory that Brady's ex-wife is paying off players after several instances of offensive linemen standing up and making a wide hole so Brady could be sacked by at least 5 opposing players. Some witnesses say they saw linemen even extending their feet to trip Brady as he tries to escape the collapsing pocket.
Players and coaches insist there is no merit to these theories. "We just really suck at playing football. That's all there is to it," said one Bucs player while casually shoving a wad of twenties in his jock strap. "Hopefully we'll get better someday, I dunno."
At publishing time, sources close to Gisele say she doubled her reward for anyone who can orchestrate any injury that might force Brady to retire as he promised.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: