FRESNO, CA - After attending her first Dungeons & Dragons session Saturday, local woman Amber Carson was surprised to learn the group was simply a cover for training her in the dark arts so she could join a dark, Satanic coven in Fresno.

The girl enjoyed the game as she and three other players encountered a thieves' den on the outskirts of Neverwinter Wood, stopping the thieves and grabbing some treasure along the way, all the while being entirely unaware that every spell she cast was simply laying the groundwork to induct her into a cult that worshiped ancient gods.

After the three-hour game session was concluded, Carson was planning on going to grab a cheeseburger but was informed she needed to stay so she could be initiated into the Dark Order of the Priestesses of Diana. "Oh, ok. I guess. Wait, what?" the confused girl said as she was told that her few hours playing a magic user in D&D Fifth Edition was sufficient to make her a member of the Satanic cult.

"Could I like, grab a bite to eat first? I'm pretty hungry," she said. "Or maybe I'll just take a rain check on the whole thing or something? Ugh, just sounds like so much work."

"I'll see if I've got time, like next Tuesday, I dunno," she added as she made her way to the door, passing by a dark ritual of hooded cultists chanting praises to demonic entities. "Peace out."

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