U.S.—According to several reliable conservative websites nobody has ever heard of, a team of historians confirmed Friday the discovery of new documents that suggest George Soros may have funded Judas' betrayal of Jesus of Nazareth.
The new evidence reportedly shows that Soros deposited 30 pieces of silver in the chief priests' accounts, which they then used to pay off Judas and kick off Jesus's trial and execution.
"We knew that rotten Soros was involved somehow," said renowned expert on both theology and politics Franklin Graham. "This just goes to show you that literally any event that looks a little suspicious, across all human history, was funded by Soros."
Right-wing websites were also able to trace the fall of Rome, various Viking raids, and the Matrix sequels to Soros, producing a large paper trail that looked "pretty legit."
"It's Soros, all the way down," said Graham, matter-of-factly.
At publishing time, conservative evangelicals had also accused Soros of paying off the mobs who demanded the release of Barabbas instead of Jesus.