Genetic Scientists Create Flawless Worship Leader

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to an announcement made at MIT Monday, a team of genetic scientists has created a “genetically flawless” worship leader, who exhibits none of the usual faults of ordinary worship leaders.

The team of scientists worked tirelessly on the DNA code of the worship leader for over fifteen years, tweaking and refining his genetic attributes to remove all annoying traits of regular worship leaders.

The prototype, named Blaze Niles, can play any hymn or worship song on command in a key the congregation can actually sing in, according to the researchers, and never deviates from a song arrangement or ad-libs any lyrics.

“He doesn’t explain his reasons for choosing every single song he plays. He doesn’t lead impromptu prayers. He never asks for the congregation to do something weird or cringey like repeat a certain phrase over and over or suddenly embrace everyone around them,” head researcher Dr. Alan Carter said. “He can even play bar chords!”

“Niles also prefers to wear a sensible tee or polo shirt with slacks while leading worship, with contemporary yet tasteful white-soled sneakers, and absolutely refuses to don a beanie or scarf unless the weather requires it,” Dr. Carter added.

A production version of the flawless worship leader for churches to order is in development, sources at MIT confirmed.

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