ARLINGTON, VA — As the government shut-down drags on, furloughed TSA agents have begun going door-to-door offering to grope people for free.
Despite no longer being paid, TSA agents have voluntarily walked the streets to keep patting people down with their little blue goves.
"I've been knocking doors all over Arlington for the last few days, just hoping to frisk someone," said Brayden Sharmer, a TSA agent. "I also offer to shout at people to take their shoes off, then belittle them for not knowing that you don't have to take your shoes off. It's a calling."
Several TSA agents said that something was just missing after the shutdown, and that something was groping strangers.
"I just felt this huge void in my life," said TSA agent Stefany Tillings, casually playing with a grip strengthener. "I tried patting down a mannequin at the mall, but it wasn't the same. Finding a fulfilling way of spending my time seemed so far out of my reach. So, I started going around offering to be a TSA officer for free and now so much joy has come back into my life."
At publishing time, several IRS agents had also decided to go door-to-door to have people guess how much money they owed the government and then arrest them if they got it wrong.
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