Kamala Harris is one of the most beloved and influential figures in American history. In addition to becoming America's first female Vice President of color, she has been present at some of history's most pivotal moments, always ready to alter the course of human events like a benevolent deity in the clouds -- or a busy beaver that stops a mighty river with a dam made of chewed up logs.
Here are 7 amazing anecdotes from Kamala Harris herself that are so compelling you may believe she made them up. Seriously though-- you can't make this stuff up!
- 480 BC - In ancient times, Kamala's parents absent-mindedly left 5-year-old Kamala at the pass of Thermopylae, where the Persian army had cornered 300 Spartans. Little Kamala ran headlong into the Persian army and gave a stirring speech about human rights. The Persian god-king Xerxes was so moved by the speech that he let the Spartans feel like they were winning for a few days before defeating them.
- 1298 AD - One time, while caught up in the fight for Scottish independence, Kamala's parents accidentally left her at the Battle of Falkirk. The 5-year-old Harris cut down 300 Englishmen with a claymore while shouting, "FWEEDOM!" at the top of her lungs.
- 1945 AD - Another time, her parents left her inside a Boeing B-29 Superfortress bomber armed with live nuclear bombs. Brave young Kamala flew that plane all the way to Hiroshima and after hearing a rumor about pot possession there, she dropped her payload and nuked the entire city.
- 1961 AD - When Kamala was in high school, NASA recruited her to complete all the mathematical calculations needed to land on the moon because all the old white men were too dumb to figure it out. Kamala immediately wrote all the required equations on a large chalkboard to the astonishment of everyone there. Astronauts landed on the moon the very next day. Many people don't know this, but the moon was renamed Kamala Harris after Kamala Harris.
- 1985 AD - In the '80s while Ronald Reagan was doing war crimes to people, young Kamala Harris secretly flew to Russia and convinced Mikhail Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin Wall, which he immediately did. Of course, Reagan took all the credit for himself because he was a white man and also old.
- 2016 AD - Kamala Harris sent armed FBI agents to raid the home of David Daleiden after he secretly recorded Planned Parenthood conspiring to sell aborted baby parts for profit. --Wait, wait wait... this sounds totally made up. We'll have to check on this one and get back to you.
We hope you enjoyed this tour of history with Kamala Harris, one of history's most powerful figures!