WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden administration has announced a ban on pumpkin spice-flavored beverages for the good of the white girl community, sources confirmed Thursday.
Joe Biden made the announcement in his speech last night and signed an executive order banning the beverage this morning.
"Look, we want the white girls to be per---pretty, to be pretty and nice and healthy and smell, you know, the thing, to smell good," Biden said in his speech, which was heralded as "clear and coherent" and a "refreshing return to normalcy" by the press. "So, we're getting rid of the pumpkin spice Fraps. You know, back in my day, you didn't have all these options like pumpkin spice and salted caramel and spiced chai and whatnot. You got your coffee black as oil and you liked it, or you went hungry."
"Also, who are you people and why do these two ladies behind me keep staring at me like they want me dead?"
Health experts believe the move will improve the health of white girl communities all across the country. Next, Biden says he plans to ban Taco Bell for the good of the stoner community.