PORT ST. LUCIE, FL — A pride parade in Florida has been canceled after DeSantis signed a bill that would require everyone marching in the parade to keep their clothes on in front of the small children in attendance.
"Just great. Why even bother with a parade at this point?" said Trixie Glamrod, who had plans to strip down and twerk throughout the entire 3-mile parade route. "If I can't be proud of my transgender identity by dancing naked in front of minors whenever I want, then we no longer live in a free country."
"This is literal fascism."
Sources say several others who had planned to pole dance and simulate sex acts in front of kindergarteners during the parade expressed disappointment that they will be required to wear clothes once the parade is rescheduled in a few weeks. "This is literal violence against our marginalized community," said Don Blorgstan while sadly putting his giant phallus costume back in the closet. "I feel so unsafe now."
California Governor Gavin Newsom has attempted to entice LGBTQ Floridians to move back to California where they can do whatever they want in the presence of children, but sources confirmed they still wish to remain in Florida where the taxes are low and they don't get mugged all the time.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.