WASHINGTON, D.C. — Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg is calling on the DOT to address a long-standing inequity by using more gay crash test dummies in their automobile crash safety tests.
"Today's cars and trucks are designed for the safety of straight, white males," said Buttigieg in a statement, "but they are murdering members of the LGBTQ+ community by the millions. This must end."
Sources say Buttigieg has ordered several thousand gay dummies to be used in crash tests, as well as female dummies, trans dummies, and dummies of color. "Once we have full representation among our stock of dummies, we will be able to build cars that work for everyone!" he said.
At publishing time, engineers had confirmed they were having trouble making anything except male and female dummies since those are the only two kinds of physical bodies there are.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
