U.S. — After receiving a downgrade in its credit for the second time in history, the United States government has been informed by crediting agencies that it will now need a co-signer to purchase a used Ford Taurus

"If it was a Kia, maybe," said credit analyst Rob McCormick. "A Ford Taurus though - sorry Uncle Sam. No can do."

After accumulating $15 trillion in debt over the past decade, U.S. officials were shocked to learn about the credit downgrade. "Wow. I had no idea that spending $15 trillion dollars that we didn't have was an issue," said Senator Chuck Schumer. "I'm just really caught off guard that people would be hesitant to loan us even more money. I wish someone had warned me."

Credit agencies offered a plan for the U.S. government to help repair its credit score, but reports indicate it was poorly received. "The government could, for example, try a budget," said Fitch CEO Larry Reese. "You know - track your expenses to ensure they don't exceed income. It's pretty radical, but there are real steps they could take."

At publishing time, Biden had assured the American public that no one needed a budget and he could just get Ukraine to co-sign for a 2010 Taurus.

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