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Fictional Characters Rated For Their COVID-19 Preparedness

How would your favorite superhero or character from literature fare against a deadly pandemic? It's the question everyone's been pondering since that guy ate a bat or that lab leaked that virus or whatever happened. But we don't have to wonder anymore. We asked SCIENCE and this is what SCIENCE came back with. So if you disagree with any of these, you want grandma to die.


Batman: Hangs around with bats. Also wears mask on wrong part of face. Clearly an anti-science maniac. Good at isolating for long periods on top of gargoyles and brooding, but he's already dead from the bats. Preparedness rating: 1/10.

 

Bane: Strong mask-wearing game but callously refuses to socially distance from Batman. Preparedness rating: 8/10.

 

Darth Vader: Full face mask and built-in ventilator. Can Force-choke anyone who coughs around him. Even has own meditation pod thing he can slip into when needed. Preparedness rating: 10/10.

 

Phantom of the Opera: Has half a face mask but good at isolating for long periods of time. Singing likely to transmit virus. Preparedness rating: 6/10.

 

The Dread Pirate Roberts: Mask on wrong part of face and kisses too much. Seriously, what is this, a kissing book? But does have handy fencing sword for keeping others six feet away. Preparedness rating: 3/10

 

The Mandalorian: Has full-face mask and very dedicated to never taking it off. Preparedness rating: 10/10 THIS IS THE WAY.

 

Xenomorph: Two mouths and not a mask to be seen anywhere. Also its life purpose is to infect more people. In its facehugger stage it even jumps right onto people's faces! Very bad at this whole pandemic thing. Preparedness rating: 0/10.

 

Hannibal Lecter: Very unhygienic. Has mask but mouth clearly showing through the little bars. The CDC recommends not having mouth contact during the pandemic and Lecter does not observe this guideline. Preparedness rating: 2/10.

 

Marvin the Martian: No mouth or nose: a brilliant move. He also wants to destroy Earth, which would, of course, end coronavirus forever. If only we all could be as committed to eradicating disease as Marvin! Preparedness rating: 11/10.

 

Wolverine: Another strong contender. Though he insists on sticking his adamantium claws into people -- very unsanitary -- he has regenerative powers and so will immediately bounce back from any COVID-19 infection. Preparedness rating: 8.7/10.


Well, there you have it. How would your favorite fictional characters fare in a pandemic? Let us know in the comments unless you're a cheapskate; then just yell at your screen.


Babylon Bee subscriber Graham Donahue contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

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