U.S.—After concerning reports of inaccurate nasal-swab COVID tests, and the release of a slightly more accurate anal-swab test, the FDA has approved the use of the most accurate COVID test yet, which will require a swab of your open, still-beating heart.
"We are pleased to announce this new test is by far the most accurate," said CDC Official Dr. Dedman. "It will only require a 12-hour open-heart procedure in which your ribcage is cut open so we can get a good swab of your heart tissue. Once you make a full recovery 6-8 weeks later, you will know with 100% certainty whether you have COVID or not!"
Biden has signed an executive order requiring all federal employees to receive the open-heart COVID test by next Tuesday. He also signed a second executive order requiring insurance companies to cover the procedure for private citizens.
"Listen folks-- this ain't that bad," said Biden. "This is the kind of stuff we need to do to knock out this virus, just like I did to ol' Corn Pop! It's your patriotic duty to have your chest cut open and have your heart swabbed for COVID. Do it today!"
Planned Parenthood has offered to perform the procedure in their clinics to help overwhelmed hospitals. In return, they will get to harvest one of your organs.
"It's so refreshing to have an administration take this virus seriously," said CNN Anchor Brian Stelter.