WHITE OAK, MD—The Food and Drug Administration has issued an official ban on death sticks.
Originating from ixetal cilona extracted from balo mushrooms, death sticks ended up in the seedy undergrounds of inner cities. They eventually found their way into stores where they could be purchased by ordinary citizens. At first, the FDA held the deadly product on a loose leash, but, as the death count has mounted, they have tightened their grip.
FDA Commissioner Stephen Hahn announced that companies will be required to stop manufacturing the controversial product immediately, stating "Death sticks have lived up to their name. We cannot in good conscience continue to allow manufacturers to profit from killing their customers." Waving his hand around like some kind of jedi, he concluded: "You don't want to sell death sticks."
Listening to the press release, local shop owner Elan Sel'Sabagno declared, "I didn't realize they were so dangerous. I don't want to sell death sticks. I want to go home and rethink my life." Customer Ben Wan testified to how "uncivilized" death sticks are. "I had a friend who got addicted to them. He was seduced by death sticks. The good man who was my friend was destroyed. He's more machine now than man. Twisted and evil."
With death sticks out of stores, Commisioner Hahn hopes the FDA can focus more on keeping spice out of the mainstream market.