WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has uncovered a terrifying plot by MAGA extremists to show up at local polling locations across the country this November to vote for their Presidential candidate of choice.
"Make no mistake, these terrorist threats are credible and were confirmed by multiple intelligence sources and FBI field offices," said FBI Director Christopher Wray to reporters. "We are advising all law enforcement departments to be on high alert for potential MAGA operatives visiting various voting booths this fall to vote for the people they think are the best candidates, such as Trump, even though he is a yucky poophead and I hate him."
"This threat to democracy cannot be overstated."
Unnamed intelligence sources confirmed that on November 8 of this year, millions of militant MAGA zealots will take a short break from their usual schedule of running small businesses, raising families, and peacefully abiding by the law to infiltrate voting booths and cast votes for the political figures who are their favorites. "Our democracy is hanging by a thread, and we might lose it if we allow all these people to vote according to their beliefs," said Wray.
At publishing time, the FBI had uncovered another disturbing plot by far-right MAGA agents to support border security.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
