MURRIETA, CA — After an anonymous tip from the owner of a local arcade, The FBI raided the home of Nick Baird, who had reportedly gotten way too far on the Area 51 arcade game.
"This man has seen too much," said local FBI field agent Roy O'Neal, who led the pre-dawn raid on the local Murrieta residence. "He has witnessed things no private citizen should be allowed to see, and his 100% shot accuracy makes him a clear and present danger to top-secret government facilities in the area. We have taken him in for questioning and confiscated all his hard drives at this time."
Sources say Baird so excelled as a Special Tactical Advanced Alien Response (STAAR) agent shooting the deadly Kronn alien race and their mutated zombie servants in the game, he achieved a score higher than any other player since the FBI had begun monitoring the Atari game 20 years ago.
Security footage from the arcade shows Baird had uncovered every secret room in the game and had avoided shooting the clumsy NPC teammates in the back of the head who kept popping up in front of him. Baird was about to fill up yet another 3-letter slot on the leaderboard with a crass nickname when he received a call from his mother that their home was being raided.
At publishing time, Baird had been reported missing and the case closed by the FBI, who confirmed they will be returning to their primary objective of investigating Mike Lindell.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
