WASHINGTON, DC — Officials running the FBI investigation into former President Donald Trump's possession of allegedly classified nuclear documents were sent scrambling to halt their work after learning the documents in question are actually just printed-out emails from Hillary Clinton's private server.
"We were all set to see this through to the end and hopefully indict Mr. Trump on very serious charges, but we are now officially ending the investigation," said Special Agent Owen Gaffney in a prepared statement. "We discovered that these sensitive documents were, in fact, printouts of emails originally belonging to Hillary Clinton, and we're just not going anywhere near that."
After learning about the abrupt end of the investigation, Trump lashed out on his Truth Social account. "There is a clear double standard of justice in this country, and it's truly a shame," Trump said. "My beautiful home, Mar-A-Lago, was unjustly raided by swarms of corrupt FBI agents, but Crooked Hillary Clinton can illegally store tens of thousands of classified emails and get away with murder — literally — without any consequences. Sad! Stop murdering people, Hillary!"
When pressed for more information as to why the FBI would not be moving forward with the investigation, Agent Gaffney grew visibly nervous. "Look, Hillary Clinton, her family members, her staff, and anyone who works with her are completely innocent, ok? And that goes for President Biden, his son, Hunter, and basically any high-ranking Democrat. Ok? Do you hear me? Just don't make me talk about it! I don't want to die!"
At publishing time, the press was attempting to learn more about the situation, but FBI agents responded by screaming and running for cover anytime the name "Hillary Clinton" was mentioned.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: