BANGOR, ME — Local dad David Kemp gathered his family together today to break the news to them that he's getting really into the American Civil War.
Kemp explained that his evenings would heretofore be spent watching Ken Burns' The Civil War documentary or staring out the window ruminating on what would have happened if the Confederates had never attempted Pickett's charge.
"All of our future family vacations will include stops at Civil War battlefields," explained Kemp. "We'll be taking the official tour, and yes, I'll be staying afterwards to ask the tour guide extra questions. I expect everyone in the family to help look for any Minié balls that might still be on the battlefield. I'll also likely be obtaining a percussion cap rifled musket and displaying it on the mantle above the fireplace. And I'm sure you've noticed my uniform."
Kemp's wife reportedly cried softly as her husband then sat down in his recliner and unfolded a freshly-arrived reproduction of a 1861 newspaper. "I always feared this might happen. I just thought we had more time," sighed Mrs. Kemp. "I was just still hoping that someday we might go to Europe together, or visit wine country. It's too late. I knew things were serious when he talked about trimming his beard like Ambrose Burnside."
At publishing time, Kemp had announced that the garage was no longer available for parking as he was using it to construct a Civil War-era cannon.
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