BENTON, WY—A man was placed in solitary confinement today by his own family after excessive use of turkey and other Thanksgiving-related puns leading up to the holiday. The Jenkins family says father and husband, Troy Jenkins, ignored several direct commands to cease and desist.
“We don’t like being forced to take aggressive action like this,” said Sally Jenkins, Troy’s wife of seventeen years. “But sometimes you’re left with no choice. You have to protect your family.”
The barrage of puns started in mid-November and increased as the Thanksgiving holiday grew nearer. Statements like, “Ready to gobble ‘til you wobble?” and “I be trippin’ on tryptophan, bro,” were exacerbated by attempts at musical satire such as, “I’m all about that baste, ‘bout that baste, no gobble”, “Turk so good. Come on baby make that turk so good,” and “Let’s give ’em pumpkin to talk about.”
Despite many warnings, Troy Jenkins intensified his onslaught of puns with aggressively bad jokes including, “Sorry if I’m blushing. I just saw the turkey dressing,” and “What kind of music gives a turkey nightmares? Plymouth Rock!”
The family decided to sedate the man with tryptophan, then bind his arms and legs and wrap his mouth in duct tape until the situation was under control. They placed Jenkins in an upstairs bedroom and locked the door. “We had to act before he got out that wishbone and started with the ‘Oh Snap!’ jokes,” said Troy’s daughter, Marley. Troy’s son Jacob said he couldn’t take one more spoof of Snoop Dogg, said to be a horrifying rendition of "Egg Noggy Nooooog- EGG NOG!"
Mr. Jenkins was allowed to write a statement to the public while detained: “I made my breast effort at humor baste on my own sense of humor. Unfortunately, my family has lost their heads and find my jokes corny. Perhaps I have made a gravy mistake. I’ll be the first to admit I plucked up. Please give me a second helping—I mean chance.”
At publishing time, the Jenkins family had still not announced any definitive timeline for the man's release.